11 September 2008

Shaky Cam - The Worst Hollywood Trend EVER!

Everyone has seen this. At least, if you watch TV or have gone to the movies anytime in the last 10 years. A clever and edgy technique that has the camera operator shake the camera to give you that "you are there" feeling. What nonsense. Does your world view move around violently when you do something active? How about when sitting and talking to someone?

Yes, shaky cam is used even when people are sitting quietly and talking. Do sitting people move randomly about when you talk to them? Why would anyone put this in a movie? Who wants to see nausea inducing filmwork?

And the thing is that everyone i know hates it. You hear complaints about this godawful camera work from everyone, critics and public alike. Have you seen Cloverfield? Did you get nauseous watching it? Most people do.

Of course, it's probably great for directors. After all, they can film an exciting fight scene and shake the camera so much you either can't watch it or can't figure out exactly what's going on. Either way, that's a whole lot less work for the director; choreographing a fight is a lot of work. Much easier if no one can watch it. If you've seen the Bourne movies, then you know what i mean.

To make matters worse, shaky cam is often accompanied by short editing. So not only is the picture moving around violently, but the film segments are so short, you can't figure out what you just saw anyway.

But maybe i'm wrong. Maybe Hollywood is helping people with various handicaps. Letting someone with Parkinson's Disease do the camera work and another with ADHD do the editing is just helping out. Industry should help people.

Remember all those old home movies that nobody could watch because Grampa couldn't hold the camera steady and everyone had to look away so as not to get dizzy? Well, go back and appologise! Gramps was way ahead of his time, using cutting edge camera techniques not discovered by Hollywood for decades. Go back and watch those old home movie again. Only this time "Oooooh" and "Ahhhh" over the incessant dizzying motion of the modern school of film.

Shaky cam is the worst, most Godawful method of using a camera ever devised. It's been going on for years now and doesn't seem like it'll ever end. Everybody hates it, and yet Hollywood won't stop using it.

LET HOLLYWOOD KNOW!
STOP USING SHAKY CAM!
IT SUCKS! IT REALLY DOES!

05 September 2008

Get Off the Road, I'm Driving!

Some bright comedian once said "Everyone driving faster than me is an idiot and everyone driving slower than me is a jerk."

I UNDERSTAND THIS!

I've driven in some pretty out of the way places. Most of the drivers suck. Saudi Arabia has the worst driven i've ever seen. And i've driven in France and Korea. Compared to these Driving Hells, America is pretty tame and rather polite. Americans usually use their blinkers; they use their lights; they stay off the sidewalks; and most pay attention to the speed limit.

But there are three things Americans simply can't handle.

1. Driving to slowly in the fast lane. How fucking difficult is this to figure out? I swear you can't go on the highway for 10 miles without running up on someone going too slow for the left lane. There's at least 2 lanes, for crying out loud, so move the fuck over. There are even signs all along the Interstate telling you to keep to the right. Let's see, you can remember to use your blinker every time you turn, right? But remembering what the lanes are for, noooo, that's way too hard.

Can't they feel my wrath? An ego is coming, so begone from my sight and allow me to velocitate unimpeded.

2. Parking lots. OK, someone drives into a large parking lot. What's the first thing they do? Look for a parking close to the store? Yeah, probably. But how do they get there? Drive down the well-marked lanes? NO! They immediately cut across the parking lot. WTF! You can see them squeezing between parked cars to get across the lanes, then drive too fast to where they're going. I just don't get it.

3. Stop lights. This is a new one. So there you are, stopped at the light on a two lane street. You see a car in your rear view mirror approaching the light in the lane next to you. You look over to see the car, but it never shows up. Why? Because the person decided to stop an entire car length from the line. What's is this all about? For decades, i've seen people stop at the line when the light's red. For the past few years i've noticed more and more people stopping far from the line. And it's worse if you're behind one these assholes. What's really annoying (aside from the fact that i hate them) is that they're too far away from the magnetic sensor under the asphalt that starts the timing sequence to change the light. So it takes longer than usual for the light to change.

Why are there people on the road with me? I really don't know.